Happy February! It was a busy January!

Often I wanted to write a post, yet life did not cooperate so I could get the thoughts out of my head and into written words. Sometimes I think that happens because the thoughts are still evolving (or need to!!), and sometimes I think it is part of developing patience. The world, and even the rhythms of my own self/life are not according to my own wishes and planning.  After the fact, I understand and am even happy things turned out *better* than my own planning! Yet during the situation, I can feel stuck or frustrated....

So, January was full of unexpected things!
* I began weekly scheduled meetings with a dear friend, rather than rely on chance or our texts/calls throughout the weeks.

* I still feel as changed as I did as the new year began. That mental/emotional/energy shift was real.

* I began working with trainers 3x per week, and have, since Jan 9th when I began, made measurable changes to my body composition and strength. I am even beginning to see small but positive changes to my sleeping issues!  (I *will* write about this in a separate post!)

January was also full of happy things!

* I am struggling with seasonal lack of light (this is not new!), yet my functioning this year at this "worst" time is far *better* than any recent year. This is amazing because since 2010, major issues in the lives of family have come one after another with no breather....or have come piled on top of each other like a bad car wreck! And all that on top of financially and logistically settling in after a forced (but ultimately good!) move in 2011 for me. *Better* is always a huge thing! *Better* is a happy thing to me!

* I have specific commitments in my community that I have kept. I have been so nourished by weekly worship in the last year, and I am so thrilled to be an active member of the volunteer worship ministry.

*I read/finished a book that had NOTHING to do with business, academics, or incorporation! This is huge as it has been over a year since I have done what most might call "pleasure reading".

There are more things that are happy.....but I have breakfast to make and appointments to get ready for, so I have to stop for now.  I did need and want to document........

Thankful for 2012 new energy and beginnings...

...Well, yes, and also continuations of many good things into 2012, and hopefully beyond. I am grateful that I started the new year with a wish fulfilled.

I needed to leave the energy, hurt, and disruption that began 2011, and somehow find a safe and honest place with the situation. I found a voice (written word actually...) to express the essentials I needed to, and amazingly it did not feel as though I was just hiding my feeling....nor attacking the other (although the truth may seem like an attack, and that is out of my control)...nor wishing and waiting for participation and connection which may never be offered by the other.

 What happens next is up to the other person.

 I am sad if they cannot, or choose not to participate and engage.....amazingly, I am no longer the hurt/angry I have felt for some time. Well, hurt and exceedingly vulnerable *always* call up anger. I see anger as protective, and it pretends to show up first.....even though anger is *always* triggered by vulnerability, so is in fact second!. For me at least, as I have learned by years of paying attention. Being protected by anger is not something I wish to continue doing, in this situation nor any other. I want to stand up and speak up with a solid peaceful declaration and not the rising-blood pressure, flaring nostrils, tense and braced body posture......I am sure you can fill in the rest of the picture.

 I have too much to keep in motion, and too much to get a momentum going with, to lose energy of any kind on situations I cannot make better single-handedly. That is the thing about relationships....they are not one way, and they take work.... joyous work, happy work, sometimes difficult work.....but the harvest can be so great when all involved keep always doing the best they can in any moment, speak up before things fester, and apply forgiveness for self and others over and over again. Forgiveness doesn't fix things, but is a blessed new beginning to do better. I forgave back then, but forget is not how you build a safe, working, relationship forward. I forgave without the benefit of working it out in conversation with the other. That is really no more than a cul-de-sac on the journey. It doesn't lead forward....

I wanted to talk, but each occasion that I *might* have was at a time when the other was not in a receptive place....and this was judged by interactions with me AS WELL AS with others. Sure, I was apprehensive about the conversation, but apprehension was not why I held off. It isn't all about me and what I want or need; it is also about where the other is at and whether they are capable at that moment of participating in making the future relationship better.

 Words alone don't make our relationships; the energy, love, and effort to connect is what makes relationships work. I will be thankful when this particular letter is deposited in the mailbox. Email is good for somethings....but this is an issue needing the old way!

 Happy and healthy 2012 to all.....

The quality of the light is certainly changing...even with sunny days and time spent walking in the mid-day, I am finding those seasonal changes creeping upon me with increasing speed.

Time to start my days with the light box again.....

Preparing for a visit from Irene!

According to reports, the storm will likely be less powerful when it arrives here...BUT there are tall trees near me, and if one falls it could be a problem!!  Also, hard to tell what the utility situation might be (electric, gas, water) if there is damage in the area or region.  Wish I had a camp stove to boil water in case it comes to that....but for now I am filling many jugs and containers with water.

I have sufficient food that needs no cooking nor cooling (nut butters, dried fruit, nuts, canned tuna and manual can opener, powered milk, v-8 juice).......so I know I won't starve!  My electronics are charged up, and I have safe candles which will burn for days safely.

Whatever the outcome, these last few days have given me some changes to make to my inventory so I can be prepared for potential outages.

I am grateful for the conveniences of urban living and public transportation......and I have lost some of the preparedness I practiced when I lived very rurally. Irene has reminded me that some of those practices are doable AND necessary in the city!

Be safe, and help others however you are able!  

Loving life today....

Well to be fair not just today.....and not "loving" some of the challenges that have landed squarely in front of me in the last year....yet on balance, life is good.

Small healthy breakfast at home today, heading to water for a few days to hang with some dear people of all ages....

I am sleeping better in the last week, and the temperature outside my open window is both summery and sweetly cool. It is amazing what good and sufficient sleep will do!

I am finally unpacking more (although still very slowly!!) and deciding what I need for organizing and furniture.

There is much unsure in the perhaps nearer than I would like future....more traveling to provide some help and respite for others, and another relocation is not out of the question. Not what I want (the relo), but what I have wholeheartedly committed to do when it is required.

And with that, have let it go until it is the reality in front of me. I have today to deal with...and love!

Service to others...

Do what you can, when you can...and remember to take care of self too.

That is heavily my life these days.

Wouldn't have thought I could keep this pace and level of demands for as long as it has been....I guess learning I have more stamina at the moment than I thought is a good discovery!

50....

Later today, I will have been breathing the air on this earth for 50 years.

And I will be celebrating that fact for the next 12 months!

I have big and small things I want to do....some are people dependent (closest friend has a hectic day so our casual plans might have to be moved); some are cash dependent (which I am not flush on extra right now with moving, setting up apartment, and traveling for family issues so much in the last 10 months); some are seasonal and won't be possible until the fall.

So, today I will take a long bath and a long walk, write some, and do something small around the home I have been wanting to do but always thinking to start doing when I am too tired or uninspired.  I think it is a good day to set the tone....

I already got wished Happy Birthday today, so I am good! Over the next 12 months I will get some quality time with people I enjoy. How great is that!

9 hours of mellow fun hanging with brother and his family....

On a rainy Saturday we managed to have a few adventures and spend much of it outdoors....safe travels back to New York!

A little people watching...

Last night, I had the chance to people watch.  I mean really watch rather than listen.  I was tucked comfortably in the corner, still feeling the refreshing night air from the open windows. The noise level was not deafening.....more like loud enough to obscure most actual words throughout the room, but not hurtful to my ears. 

Some folks looked like first or fairly new dates; some were clearly reunions (I am sandwiched by the property of two universities, and commencement was a few days ago....); some groups, some one-on-one.

Many conversations (mind you, I mostly cannot hear what is being said) appeared to be a series of monologues. Lack of eye contact by the speaker or listener, "unlistening" body language.... I did see a few people who looked at each other during the mutual exchanges, and from across the room looked in tune.....both present.  Not all of these were romantic seeming pairings, just two people present and connecting......occasionally laughing. The laugh of recognition and appreciation, rather than a mocking laugh after sharing some gossip and putting someone down.

It filled my heart to see that the art of conversation and connection is still practiced...makes me hopeful that finding more such people to populate my world is still possible.

I enjoy and require a fair amount of untethered solo time. I also enjoy and require (as really we all do as humans!) connection.  I cannot practice conversation and connection in a vacuum. I need other people who want to play too!!

Wishing you all at least one really connected relationship, and that you get quality time with that person as regularly as possible.

This quote sums up many current issues....

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.


- Carl Jung (1875-1961)

Recovering and settling in....

Still recovering from the emotional whiplash of everything going on around me...and to some extent in me. Lots of musing!.....but little writing here or *anywhere*!  I am really struggling with getting consistant and sufficient sleep at the moment........well really this is not a new issue. With so little sleep, or barely any restorative sleep, I am "foggy-headed" even when awake and moving about in the world. This state doesn't lend itself to writing for various reasons....although this state *does* add to frustration, and a sense of disconnect. 

I am grateful for the feeling of snails' pace movement....because it *is* movement, after all!!

Grateful and frustrated are difficult places to be bouncing rapidly between...... another type of whiplash.

Alleluia!!!

Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

So *good* to say, sing, hear, feel that Word again!!!!

Blessed Easter Sunday....

Happy 78th, Dad!!

Dear Dad:

Happy Birthday!! And, yes, those roses on the table were cut from the yard just for you!

Love,
me

This time next week...

...I will be heading home.  I've been on an annual "vacation" to family and sunshine. This year I am doing it later than usual, and not so much vacationing as helping. Still, it is a break, and a break from winter/spring in the northeast. 

Life is precious....live what is in front of you. 

Tell people how you feel, and show them too....with pat on the back, hugs.....whatever....

Versions....

I prefer to deal with what is, or the fact that I prefer not to answer or discuss something.  This is probablly one of the few areas that I even resemble "yes or no; black or white" thinking.

I can keep a confidence....and do, for a variety of friends and family. 

Versions of reality, well, I don't have the desire nor energy to remember what the "story" is!  I don't do it anymore in my life, and I really don't want to do it for anyone else.  It doesn't feel good; it's too complicated; it is dishonest, and affects many many relationships. 

A confidence is the feeling or worry or joy you are sharing with me.

A version is a cover story...... parts may be true, and parts may be omitted. That doesn't sound so bad, right?  Well, too much energy, and many people can tell when there is more to the story. Even if they don't question further right then, they walk away with a weird feeling....

I prefer to stick to a responsive answer, or that I am not discussing that subject (whether it be just at this time, or with the questioner).   

I will keep a confidence; *please* don't ask me to get involved in the versions.

Ultimately, everyone involved ends up feeling bad or alienated.

Unpacking and updating on a grey rainy day....

My walk will have to wait until later; the rain is very steady, and my coat is not yet dry from last night's walk.

Perfect opportunity to avoid one thing by doing something else I need to do.....unpacking!  I already have the basics of the kitchen set up, and have been cooking meals at home most of the time.  I first thought that the abundance of interesting restaurants and takeouts in my immediate neighborhood would prolong the time of eating out because it was faster, more comforting, or under the "cost of moving" umbrella.  Luckily for my wallet, I am quite content to cook since I have more counter space than my last apartment.  I will never again live in a place that doesn't have enough counter space OR is without windows in the kitchen! I am loving the light from the 2 windows.

I am also about 25% through my contact list of businesses, friends, and family that need my new info. Little bit everyday is working....

So, on to reclaiming space in the living room as I unpack, unpack, unpack, and find a place for everything!

Muhammara.....oh my!!

Oh my....!!!

I just tasted muhammara.... a roasted red pepper, walnut, and pomegranate meze.  Delicious!!

I have Samira's Homemade brand. Looks similar to a hummus product in texture, and I ate it with torn pieces of some leftover pita bread.

Savory, with a small kick.

I had never heard of it before.  Glad I took the chance and bought some!

Yummmmm....

Snowy day making it easy to stay in and unpack!

Woke up to snow; so today is a good day to keep cozy and use the time to unpack rather than explore the new neighborhood.

Truth is, I spent some of my youth and high school years in this general area either visiting relatives, or living in the next town..... it has changed, and so have the businesses, but it still has a good familiar feel to it. I am so grateful for that feeling and the abundant good memories....  

At last...!

Everything is moved, and tonight is the first night actually sleeping here in the new place.  So relieved, so grateful, so cozy, so quiet......woo hoo!

Sometimes a simple update can calm us...

I have been readying for my move, although much more slowly than is helpful!  And the slowness in more mental than due to any colds or flu.

I got an update a few minutes ago that indicate I might actually have new keys in hand by close of business next Monday!

Even though there are still so many elements NOT pinned down, this news somehow was very calming. Maybe today I will get much more packed (both what I will keep, and what I will donate before the move).

I have several meetings and deadlines in the next few day also competing for my attention and energy. Hopefully I will be able to do just enough on all those issues.

Just enough would be a really great thing right about now....