Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Happy February! It was a busy January!

Often I wanted to write a post, yet life did not cooperate so I could get the thoughts out of my head and into written words. Sometimes I think that happens because the thoughts are still evolving (or need to!!), and sometimes I think it is part of developing patience. The world, and even the rhythms of my own self/life are not according to my own wishes and planning.  After the fact, I understand and am even happy things turned out *better* than my own planning! Yet during the situation, I can feel stuck or frustrated....

So, January was full of unexpected things!
* I began weekly scheduled meetings with a dear friend, rather than rely on chance or our texts/calls throughout the weeks.

* I still feel as changed as I did as the new year began. That mental/emotional/energy shift was real.

* I began working with trainers 3x per week, and have, since Jan 9th when I began, made measurable changes to my body composition and strength. I am even beginning to see small but positive changes to my sleeping issues!  (I *will* write about this in a separate post!)

January was also full of happy things!

* I am struggling with seasonal lack of light (this is not new!), yet my functioning this year at this "worst" time is far *better* than any recent year. This is amazing because since 2010, major issues in the lives of family have come one after another with no breather....or have come piled on top of each other like a bad car wreck! And all that on top of financially and logistically settling in after a forced (but ultimately good!) move in 2011 for me. *Better* is always a huge thing! *Better* is a happy thing to me!

* I have specific commitments in my community that I have kept. I have been so nourished by weekly worship in the last year, and I am so thrilled to be an active member of the volunteer worship ministry.

*I read/finished a book that had NOTHING to do with business, academics, or incorporation! This is huge as it has been over a year since I have done what most might call "pleasure reading".

There are more things that are happy.....but I have breakfast to make and appointments to get ready for, so I have to stop for now.  I did need and want to document........

Monday, January 2, 2012

Thankful for 2012 new energy and beginnings...

...Well, yes, and also continuations of many good things into 2012, and hopefully beyond. I am grateful that I started the new year with a wish fulfilled.

I needed to leave the energy, hurt, and disruption that began 2011, and somehow find a safe and honest place with the situation. I found a voice (written word actually...) to express the essentials I needed to, and amazingly it did not feel as though I was just hiding my feeling....nor attacking the other (although the truth may seem like an attack, and that is out of my control)...nor wishing and waiting for participation and connection which may never be offered by the other.

 What happens next is up to the other person.

 I am sad if they cannot, or choose not to participate and engage.....amazingly, I am no longer the hurt/angry I have felt for some time. Well, hurt and exceedingly vulnerable *always* call up anger. I see anger as protective, and it pretends to show up first.....even though anger is *always* triggered by vulnerability, so is in fact second!. For me at least, as I have learned by years of paying attention. Being protected by anger is not something I wish to continue doing, in this situation nor any other. I want to stand up and speak up with a solid peaceful declaration and not the rising-blood pressure, flaring nostrils, tense and braced body posture......I am sure you can fill in the rest of the picture.

 I have too much to keep in motion, and too much to get a momentum going with, to lose energy of any kind on situations I cannot make better single-handedly. That is the thing about relationships....they are not one way, and they take work.... joyous work, happy work, sometimes difficult work.....but the harvest can be so great when all involved keep always doing the best they can in any moment, speak up before things fester, and apply forgiveness for self and others over and over again. Forgiveness doesn't fix things, but is a blessed new beginning to do better. I forgave back then, but forget is not how you build a safe, working, relationship forward. I forgave without the benefit of working it out in conversation with the other. That is really no more than a cul-de-sac on the journey. It doesn't lead forward....

I wanted to talk, but each occasion that I *might* have was at a time when the other was not in a receptive place....and this was judged by interactions with me AS WELL AS with others. Sure, I was apprehensive about the conversation, but apprehension was not why I held off. It isn't all about me and what I want or need; it is also about where the other is at and whether they are capable at that moment of participating in making the future relationship better.

 Words alone don't make our relationships; the energy, love, and effort to connect is what makes relationships work. I will be thankful when this particular letter is deposited in the mailbox. Email is good for somethings....but this is an issue needing the old way!

 Happy and healthy 2012 to all.....