...Well, yes, and also continuations of many good things into 2012, and hopefully beyond. I am grateful that I started the new year with a wish fulfilled.
I needed to leave the energy, hurt, and disruption that began 2011, and somehow find a safe and honest place with the situation. I found a voice (written word actually...) to express the essentials I needed to, and amazingly it did not feel as though I was just hiding my feeling....nor attacking the other (although the truth may seem like an attack, and that is out of my control)...nor wishing and waiting for participation and connection which may never be offered by the other.
What happens next is up to the other person.
I am sad if they cannot, or choose not to participate and engage.....amazingly, I am no longer the hurt/angry I have felt for some time. Well, hurt and exceedingly vulnerable *always* call up anger. I see anger as protective, and it pretends to show up first.....even though anger is *always* triggered by vulnerability, so is in fact second!. For me at least, as I have learned by years of paying attention. Being protected by anger is not something I wish to continue doing, in this situation nor any other. I want to stand up and speak up with a solid peaceful declaration and not the rising-blood pressure, flaring nostrils, tense and braced body posture......I am sure you can fill in the rest of the picture.
I have too much to keep in motion, and too much to get a momentum going with, to lose energy of any kind on situations I cannot make better single-handedly. That is the thing about relationships....they are not one way, and they take work.... joyous work, happy work, sometimes difficult work.....but the harvest can be so great when all involved keep always doing the best they can in any moment, speak up before things fester, and apply forgiveness for self and others over and over again. Forgiveness doesn't fix things, but is a blessed new beginning to do better.
I forgave back then, but forget is not how you build a safe, working, relationship forward. I forgave without the benefit of working it out in conversation with the other. That is really no more than a cul-de-sac on the journey. It doesn't lead forward....
I wanted to talk, but each occasion that I *might* have was at a time when the other was not in a receptive place....and this was judged by interactions with me AS WELL AS with others. Sure, I was apprehensive about the conversation, but apprehension was not why I held off. It isn't all about me and what I want or need; it is also about where the other is at and whether they are capable at that moment of participating in making the future relationship better.
Words alone don't make our relationships; the energy, love, and effort to connect is what makes relationships work.
I will be thankful when this particular letter is deposited in the mailbox. Email is good for somethings....but this is an issue needing the old way!
Happy and healthy 2012 to all.....