Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Happy February! It was a busy January!

Often I wanted to write a post, yet life did not cooperate so I could get the thoughts out of my head and into written words. Sometimes I think that happens because the thoughts are still evolving (or need to!!), and sometimes I think it is part of developing patience. The world, and even the rhythms of my own self/life are not according to my own wishes and planning.  After the fact, I understand and am even happy things turned out *better* than my own planning! Yet during the situation, I can feel stuck or frustrated....

So, January was full of unexpected things!
* I began weekly scheduled meetings with a dear friend, rather than rely on chance or our texts/calls throughout the weeks.

* I still feel as changed as I did as the new year began. That mental/emotional/energy shift was real.

* I began working with trainers 3x per week, and have, since Jan 9th when I began, made measurable changes to my body composition and strength. I am even beginning to see small but positive changes to my sleeping issues!  (I *will* write about this in a separate post!)

January was also full of happy things!

* I am struggling with seasonal lack of light (this is not new!), yet my functioning this year at this "worst" time is far *better* than any recent year. This is amazing because since 2010, major issues in the lives of family have come one after another with no breather....or have come piled on top of each other like a bad car wreck! And all that on top of financially and logistically settling in after a forced (but ultimately good!) move in 2011 for me. *Better* is always a huge thing! *Better* is a happy thing to me!

* I have specific commitments in my community that I have kept. I have been so nourished by weekly worship in the last year, and I am so thrilled to be an active member of the volunteer worship ministry.

*I read/finished a book that had NOTHING to do with business, academics, or incorporation! This is huge as it has been over a year since I have done what most might call "pleasure reading".

There are more things that are happy.....but I have breakfast to make and appointments to get ready for, so I have to stop for now.  I did need and want to document........

Monday, January 2, 2012

Thankful for 2012 new energy and beginnings...

...Well, yes, and also continuations of many good things into 2012, and hopefully beyond. I am grateful that I started the new year with a wish fulfilled.

I needed to leave the energy, hurt, and disruption that began 2011, and somehow find a safe and honest place with the situation. I found a voice (written word actually...) to express the essentials I needed to, and amazingly it did not feel as though I was just hiding my feeling....nor attacking the other (although the truth may seem like an attack, and that is out of my control)...nor wishing and waiting for participation and connection which may never be offered by the other.

 What happens next is up to the other person.

 I am sad if they cannot, or choose not to participate and engage.....amazingly, I am no longer the hurt/angry I have felt for some time. Well, hurt and exceedingly vulnerable *always* call up anger. I see anger as protective, and it pretends to show up first.....even though anger is *always* triggered by vulnerability, so is in fact second!. For me at least, as I have learned by years of paying attention. Being protected by anger is not something I wish to continue doing, in this situation nor any other. I want to stand up and speak up with a solid peaceful declaration and not the rising-blood pressure, flaring nostrils, tense and braced body posture......I am sure you can fill in the rest of the picture.

 I have too much to keep in motion, and too much to get a momentum going with, to lose energy of any kind on situations I cannot make better single-handedly. That is the thing about relationships....they are not one way, and they take work.... joyous work, happy work, sometimes difficult work.....but the harvest can be so great when all involved keep always doing the best they can in any moment, speak up before things fester, and apply forgiveness for self and others over and over again. Forgiveness doesn't fix things, but is a blessed new beginning to do better. I forgave back then, but forget is not how you build a safe, working, relationship forward. I forgave without the benefit of working it out in conversation with the other. That is really no more than a cul-de-sac on the journey. It doesn't lead forward....

I wanted to talk, but each occasion that I *might* have was at a time when the other was not in a receptive place....and this was judged by interactions with me AS WELL AS with others. Sure, I was apprehensive about the conversation, but apprehension was not why I held off. It isn't all about me and what I want or need; it is also about where the other is at and whether they are capable at that moment of participating in making the future relationship better.

 Words alone don't make our relationships; the energy, love, and effort to connect is what makes relationships work. I will be thankful when this particular letter is deposited in the mailbox. Email is good for somethings....but this is an issue needing the old way!

 Happy and healthy 2012 to all.....

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The quality of the light is certainly changing...even with sunny days and time spent walking in the mid-day, I am finding those seasonal changes creeping upon me with increasing speed.

Time to start my days with the light box again.....

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Preparing for a visit from Irene!

According to reports, the storm will likely be less powerful when it arrives here...BUT there are tall trees near me, and if one falls it could be a problem!!  Also, hard to tell what the utility situation might be (electric, gas, water) if there is damage in the area or region.  Wish I had a camp stove to boil water in case it comes to that....but for now I am filling many jugs and containers with water.

I have sufficient food that needs no cooking nor cooling (nut butters, dried fruit, nuts, canned tuna and manual can opener, powered milk, v-8 juice) I know I won't starve!  My electronics are charged up, and I have safe candles which will burn for days safely.

Whatever the outcome, these last few days have given me some changes to make to my inventory so I can be prepared for potential outages.

I am grateful for the conveniences of urban living and public transportation......and I have lost some of the preparedness I practiced when I lived very rurally. Irene has reminded me that some of those practices are doable AND necessary in the city!

Be safe, and help others however you are able!  

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Loving life today....

Well to be fair not just today.....and not "loving" some of the challenges that have landed squarely in front of me in the last year....yet on balance, life is good.

Small healthy breakfast at home today, heading to water for a few days to hang with some dear people of all ages....

I am sleeping better in the last week, and the temperature outside my open window is both summery and sweetly cool. It is amazing what good and sufficient sleep will do!

I am finally unpacking more (although still very slowly!!) and deciding what I need for organizing and furniture.

There is much unsure in the perhaps nearer than I would like future....more traveling to provide some help and respite for others, and another relocation is not out of the question. Not what I want (the relo), but what I have wholeheartedly committed to do when it is required.

And with that, have let it go until it is the reality in front of me. I have today to deal with...and love!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Service to others...

Do what you can, when you can...and remember to take care of self too.

That is heavily my life these days.

Wouldn't have thought I could keep this pace and level of demands for as long as it has been....I guess learning I have more stamina at the moment than I thought is a good discovery!

Friday, June 17, 2011


Later today, I will have been breathing the air on this earth for 50 years.

And I will be celebrating that fact for the next 12 months!

I have big and small things I want to do....some are people dependent (closest friend has a hectic day so our casual plans might have to be moved); some are cash dependent (which I am not flush on extra right now with moving, setting up apartment, and traveling for family issues so much in the last 10 months); some are seasonal and won't be possible until the fall.

So, today I will take a long bath and a long walk, write some, and do something small around the home I have been wanting to do but always thinking to start doing when I am too tired or uninspired.  I think it is a good day to set the tone....

I already got wished Happy Birthday today, so I am good! Over the next 12 months I will get some quality time with people I enjoy. How great is that!